Talk Is Cheap: Noir Flash Fiction By Victor De Anda
Victor De Anda, author of “Talk Is Cheap”, has previously published short fiction in Shotgun Honey, Pulp Modern Flash, and Punk Noir Magazine among others.
Yes, I’ll hold. Hello, I’d like to order the Lisa Mason Moon & Stars Necklace that you just advertised on TV. The one with the Rose Gold plating? It is beautiful, I think my husband’s going to love it too.
First name is Colleen. Last name is Brandauer. B-R-A-N-D-A-U-E-R. That’s right, I’ve ordered from you before. Yes, I’m at 4533 Wheelhouse Lane in Copperas Cove, Texas. Zip code is 76522.
Oh, they’re calling for a storm tonight, but its’ still muggy out. These late summer rains don’t cool things off much, I’ll tell you. Where are you located? Pennsylvania, huh? Must get humid there. Ha ha, that’s right. I’ll bet you get some cold winters up there too. Sure thing, you take Discover, right? Ready? It’s 645. 957. 664. 3048. 732. Expiration date is June, 2024.
These late summer rains don’t cool things off much, I’ll tell you.
What the hell are you doing back so soon? Sorry m’am, it’s my husband. Do NOT take this phone away from me, I mean it. I just ordered the prettiest necklace, I think you’re going to like it.
My apologies, m’am. My husband’s drunk and he’s got no manners. No, I will not hang up the phone. Please stay on the line, m’am. I want you to hear what he’s telling me. I put up with this all the time.
What’s the matter, your little whore not at home? You don’t think I know what’s going on? Yeah right, same fucking lies. No m’am, no need to transfer me to 911, everything’s going to be okay, you’ll see. At least I’ve got a job, you son of a bitch. I pay the bills around here and I can buy whatever the fuck I want. When’s the last time you got me anything?
So I can expect the necklace in a week? Thank you so much m’am. Shut your fucking mouth. I can’t even look at you anymore. You have a good evening too. Go running back to your hussy, see if I care.
Hello? Who is this? 911? I was just on the phone with Home Shopping Network—was I transferred? Don’t mouth off to me, grab your shit and get the fuck out. No sir, I wasn’t talking to you. Everything’s okay, just a disagreement between me and my husband, that’s all.
That’s nice, break some more dishes, why don’t you? You didn’t pay for them. No, there’s no need to do that, sir, I’ve got the situation under control. Oh, stop your crying now, you and me are done. Call up your little tramp and see if she’ll come get you.
Please sir, I said that wasn’t necessary. I’d like to see you try. Now sir, why’d you have to go and call the authorities? I told you I had it covered, you’ll see. That’s right, it’s a gun, you son of a bitch. Who’s the tough guy now? Don’t think I won’t blow your balls off, cause I will.
Yes sir, I can hear the police sirens getting louder. You really didn’t need to do that, this is just par for the course with my husband. When I found out about you and your little skank, my gut instinct was to kill you both. But that would’ve been too easy. Sir, I’m going to hang up the phone now, you’ve invaded my privacy enough already. Good night, sir.
Just try it, see what happens.
Officers? Everything’s fine in here, just a little matrimonial debate, nothing more.
Don’t think I’ll shoot you? Try me.
He hasn’t touched a hair on my head, officers, no need to come inside!
Get away from the door you drunk old fool, before they shoot you.
Really, officers, this happens every night. He’s just being a jackass.
Damn, burns like hell, don’t it? Next time, I’ll aim for your heart, if you still got one.
He’ll be alright officers, I only winged him. Now, I do hope you’re going to replace my entryway after barging in like that. You see the faux mahogany finish? That’s an imitation Frank Lloyd Wright door that I ordered online!
You’re right, it is nice.
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